"Real Women Don't Like Lust" (Part 1)

"Real Women Don't Like Lust" (Part 1)

by KC Schnitker

I am compelled to write this series, "Real Women Don't Like Lust", in response to various media (movies, magazines, television and print) continually characterizing women as sex objects and as insatiable wild lusty types while in reality all the emphasis on 'sex' and 'sexy' and 'sex lives' separated from real meaning and purpose is having the exact opposite effect- driving couples further apart and in the long run making women feel kind of pukey about it all. 

I am an instructor of The Ovulation Method of natural family planning (NFP) and I've become so frustrated by these dishonest, inaccurate and harmful portrayals of truly beautiful and life-bearing woman and the obnoxious emphasis on the errant notion of a 'sex life' that I came up with the following to express my thoughts and frustration:

There should be no such thing as a "sex life". 

There is "married life" and within it, the many expressions of love 

which includes the renewal of the wedding vows.

I received the testimony below from a woman I instructed who has experienced that very aversion that happens to women over time in this culture.  She enthusiastically relates what a difference natural family planning- NFP (a.k.a.- the practice of chastity in marriage) has made in the intimate area of their marriage and in her attitude toward the renewal of their wedding vows:  

"NFP.  We were huge advocates of it during the first 17 years of our marriage, when we were happy to welcome more children, and we had no real reason to avoid another pregnancy.  However, in my 40’s, with children aging from teens to toddler, I felt unable to handle another baby.  It was time to practice what we preached.

My husband was NOT happy!  He came into the faith late, and therefore had never had to exercise any sort of discipline in that area; not as a teen, not in single life, and not in married life.  In our culture, from the time boys begin to feel any urges at all, they are encouraged to release them; they are certainly not told they need to conquer them.  We were both born and raised in that culture.

When we first looked at actually practicing NFP, we had mistakenly assumed there would be two week stretches without intimacy and he staunchly refused to consider such a sacrifice.  This led to months of upheaval, as I was panicked every month, and he was sick of my emotional swings.  I was angry with him that he couldn’t contain himself for my sake.  He was mad because I was not…enthusiastically participating in our intimate life.

Finally he said he was going to get a vasectomy.  I was devastated!  Not only for the fact that he would be committing a grave moral evil, but, admittedly, because there would be no reason for me to say ‘no’ to sex, at any time.  I’d done enough reflecting on sexuality that I knew the effects of objectification, and I knew that I would end up feeling used for gratification if there was no reason to abstain. It was during this reflection that I recognized that, in spite of contraception, this divide still exists between men and women in our culture.  It is considered comical, and quite normal, for a woman to feign a headache in order to avoid making love to her husband, as evidenced in TV, movies and magazines.

I put my foot down.  We had to go get some NFP training and, at the very least, give it a good try for a few months.  He avoided the instruction for weeks, but finally agreed to yield an hour.  It had a huge impact on me.  Not so much the science part as the relationship part of it.  I remember the instructor saying that lust can never be satisfied, and that pretty much summed up what I felt was happening, and would continue to happen in our marriage, if we didn’t use NFP.

Reluctantly, my husband agreed to give it a shot.  I won’t bore you with all of the details, but this experience has proven to my husband, more categorically than anything else, that God knows what He’s talking about!  We have had more intimacy, and more enthusiastic intimacy that we had in the first 17 years of our marriage.  He is stunned to see me invite him to union, which was a constant source of strain in our marriage before.  He didn’t feel loved, and neither did I.  The best way I can define it is this: during the stretches of abstinence I see him giving; giving me peace of mind, giving me love in the countless other kindnesses that I know are not just a prelude to sex.  During the safe times, I am so in love with him for his generosity that I desperately want to be near him.  I am thrilled to have that closeness with him, and I want to give him all that I can.  NFP has been a tremendous blessing, in ways that I never imagined, and on a level of depth of heart and soul that I didn’t even know existed between two people. “

It's important to point out that this couple is not being presented here as a model for the perfect attitudes regarding married intimate life or towards children.  The focus is not on the before, which obviously needs some adjustment, but it is on the end result and how their attitudes, feelings and behaviors changed as a result of practicing natural family planning.

Living in this culture I don’t think people think there is another way and it is difficult to admit, “I’m sick of it all!!”  But, there really is another way as evidenced by the above testimony- a way that is much more fulfilling, satisfying and loving.

For a time a woman may participate and engage in the marriage act where lust is predominant, but after a time, especially after infatuation has faded… well… everyone knows what “I have a headache” is referring to AND everyone knows that the one saying it is… THE WOMAN.

Why is it that the woman is the one getting the headaches??

I have some suggestions in to offer in Part 2, “Why Women Get…Headaches”.


Photo Credit: © Can Stock Photo Inc. / 4774344sean

Also published in LifeSiteNews: http://www.lifesitenews.com/news/real-women-dont-like-lust
And Defend Life: http://www.defendlife.org/newsletters/2013/September-October-2013-Newsletter.pdf

We Don't Need The Pill!!

It is really frustrating when I think of the millions of women who put their health at risk by using contraceptives like the pill, patch, shots, and IUD.  

Here they are taking these things that are carcinogenic, have a whole host of physical and emotional side effects and they are really only fertile about 100 hours a month and it is extremely easy for women to know when they are in that 100 hour time frame- just like it is easy for women to tell when they are menstruating.  Does anyone need to inform women, ‘Hey ladies, you are having your period?’  Of course not!  We know.  How do we know?  We know it by what we see and feel.  It’s totally obvious.  Well, we also have another period- the period during which we are fertile.   We’ll call it the ‘white period’.  We can know that we are having this period as easily as we can the ‘red period’, we just need to be taught how to recognize it and how to act around it -either to achieve or postpone pregnancy.  It is that simple.

I once talked to a woman who was literally floored to find out she was only fertile about 100 hours a month.  She was outright angry when I explained to her the 'white period'.  She had asked her doctor about a secretion she noticed each month (the ‘white period’) and he asked her, 'Does it look like this..., this... or that...?'  She said, 'No,...No,…and No.'  He replied, 'Well, that's just… normal'.  NORMAL??  He told her nothing about the significance.  He probably didn't even know!  She had been taking oral contraceptives for years and her health was suffering along with her libido.  She was excited to learn about a natural, effective alternative.

OB/GYN's do not know or tell women about this method or the other methods of NFP either because they are ignorant of them, don't get any financial compensation or because they don't really know about how they work or believe they are effective.  There are no high-salaried NFP reps going around to their offices to make presentations over a drug company catered lunch.  Nor are the doctors receiving kick-backs, bonuses or profits from prescribing NFP the way they could when they prescribe a drug¹ like the birth control pill.  

A Catholic friend of mine who uses NFP recently went to her OB/GYN post- baby.  They asked her what kind of contraception she planned on using and she informed him that she was Catholic and so did not use contraception and that it was against the teachings of her Church.  She also told him that she planned to use NFP.  He spent the next 30 minutes pressuring her to take the pill even after what she had said.  

I am curious about why he would care if she decided not to take the pill and to use NFP?  What could his motivation possibly be??  Profit?  Perhaps.

When she brought up that the pill and shots are carcinogens (rated class one by the WHO) AND that they are abortifacients- he flat out denied it.

In regards to the abortifacient properties of the pill- here is an excerpt from www.drugs.com about Ortho-Tri-Cyclen (one kind of pill):

“Ethinyl estradiol and norgestimate is a combination drug that contains female hormones that prevent ovulation (the release of an egg from an ovary). This medication also causes changes in your cervical mucus and uterine lining, making it harder for sperm to reach the uterus and harder for a fertilized egg to attach to the uterus.”

The abortifacient action of the pill is not hidden and can be easily found by looking up whatever pill brand online.  Some sites like contraceptivereviwer.com actually make a joke out of it (reviewing Desogen brand):

“Taking the contraceptive pill, Desogen, will also thin the lining of the uterus and alter the mucous at the neck of the cervix. If, by chance ovulation does happen then a little sperm inside a woman who is on a course of Desogen is going find it extremely difficult to make contact with her uterus. In the unlikely event of a tough little swimmer (sperm) managing to fertilize an egg, he’s going to have a big shock when that little fertilized egg tries to bed down into the wall of a ‘not so comfortable’ uterus (due to the thinning of the lining that Desogen causes).
This is why Desogen is one of the most effective birth control pills.”

When the pill first came out, it was strong enough to prevent ovulation most of the time, however, women died.  So they had to lower the dose.  When they lowered the dose, break-through ovulation occurred so then conception could occur.  That’s why the pill works now in three ways: tries to inhibit ovulation, thickens cervical mucus and thins the lining of the uterus.  The pill’s action, now, is not only to attempt to prevent ovulation, it also prevents the life of a baby from continued development by making it difficult to implant or to survive long if the baby does implant, thus it’s abortifacient action:

“The FDA’s detailed patient labeling for oral contraceptives (sic) says,

"progestin-only contraceptives (sic) are known to alter the cervical mucus, exert a progestinal (sic) effect on the endometrium, interfering with implantation, and, in some patients, suppress ovulation."²

Very conservative estimates state that the Pill kills pre-born children between 2 and 10% of the time.³ However, many medications and other external factors increase the abortion-causing nature of the Pill.⁴ Also, since 1988, the amount of the contraceptive component of the Pill was lowered, which allows the abortion-causing component to come into play more often. It is estimated that some forms of the Pill of today cause abortions up to 50% of the time.⁵ Emory University’s Contraceptive Technology published that the "mini-pills" allow ovulation to take place 40 to 60% of the time.

It is estimated that there are far more chemical abortions than surgical abortions.  It’s awful that women are not being informed about these things or if they are told that these effects are marginalized!!! 

It is also disturbing because there are natural methods like The Ovulation Method which is 99% effective, simple and easy to learn and very inexpensive.  The pill costs $30-$50 a month while NFP is a one time investment of about $100- that’s it and the woman has it for life.

It is REALLY easy to know when you are fertile.  The Ovulation Method is the most simple and effective method of natural family planning there is.  It is used in over 100 countries in the world and it can be learned by anyone. The Missionaries of Charity teach it to the poorest of the poor.  Those who are illiterate have the same success rate as those who are literate.  You can even be blind and do this method.  

There are no complicated charts or calculations to make- just a daily awareness of what you feel and see and if you want to postpone or achieve pregnancy, at the end of day popping a sticker on a chart. 

Some might ask, can it really be that simple?  The answer is- Yes.

1.                  1.Doctors Reap Millions from Anemia Drugs: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/05/09/business/09anemia.html?           pagewanted=1&_r=1

2.     Federal Register, loc. cit.

3.     Infant Homicides Through Contraceptives, 2nd ed., Eternal Life, (1994), p 1.

4.     Ibid., p 2. Ehmann pp 16-17.

5.     The Birth Control Game: Gambling With Life, American Life League / Pharmacists for Life, (866)538-5483, (1990), p 2.

The Most Effective Method to Conceive

I am posting this amazing study from Australia. It shows the effectiveness of The Ovulation Method for conception.
Amazing and wondeful hope for couples struggling with infertility:



“The Ovulation Method has established itself as the primary management of the problem of infertility. In general it has a much higher success rate of overcoming this problem than such procedures a In Vitro Fertilization and GIFT (Gamete Intra-Fallopian Transfer); the first and often the only course necessary is to instruct the woman to identify the presence of the slippery, lubricative mucus which can be felt at the vulva at a time of high fertility.”
(John J Billings M.D., Melbourne 1987)

Study on the Billings Ovulation Method™ and the Achievement of Pregnancy
1/1/1999 – 31/12/2003
Study conducted by Research Team of Ovulation Method Research and Reference Centre of Australia Ltd

Summary of Results: Study involved all couples who expressed a desire to achieve a pregnancy and who attended 17 Australian Billings Ovulation Method™ clinics within the required time frame. All couples included regardless of age, cycle length or pre-diagnosed sub-fertile indicators of either partner.

Total Participants 449

Outcome known 358

Outcome unknown 91

Total pregnancies 278 of 358

Pregnancy Rate 78%

Known Live Birth rate 61% (169 of 278)

Possible Live Birth rate**14 still pregnant at end of study; outcome of pregnancy unknown for 62 couples. 88% (169+76 = 245 of 278)

Known Miscarriages [Of these, six advised subsequent live births within the study time and four were still pregnant. These pregnancies were not included in the results.]

Average months trying to achieve for all couples in study before coming to Billings Ovulation Method™ clinic 33 of 278 15 months

Average months from initial instruction in Billings Ovulation Method™ to conception
4.7 months
Couples who were childless 60%

Prior knowledge of signs of fertility 18%

207 women in the study were classified as sub-fertile – trying to achieve a pregnancy for more than 12 months (e.g. 20 couples had been unsuccessful with IVF/AI – 7 achieved pregnancy with Billings Ovulation Method™)

Outcome known for 172:

Known pregnancy rate for this sub-fertile group 111/172 65%

65 subjects over 38 yrs old - known pregnancy rate 32/48 66%

Of the 17 couples who had previously attempted InVitro Fertilisation (IVF) without success, 5 of 17 (29%) conceived with Billings Ovulation Method™ guidelines only.

Satisfaction:93% stated they were satisfied and would recommend Billings Ovulation Method™ to others.95% stated that the Billings Ovulation Method™ gave an understanding of fertility and infertility.
(www.billingslife.org)
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An NFP Miracle

I have been teaching NFP now for about 5 years. When I first began to teach, I called a good friend of 17 years in San Diego, excited to tell her about how she could easily know when she was fertile each month and that she was only fertile about 100 hours a month (a big shocker to me- thought I was fertile every day!). My friend is a devout Christian, a very capable woman, extremely resourceful and fun (I call her, 'the fun factory') and a choleric (almost can't tell her anything she doesn't already know).
She immediately recognized the 'signs' of fertility that I explained to her and said enthusiastically, "I can do this!"

We didn't talk again about NFP for another year. During that year, I had learned that I needed to teach about the meaning of the marital embrace as well as the relationship of practicing NFP to the Sacrament of Matrimony- otherwise couples just saw NFP as a choice of birth control on the table with all the contraceptives. I found that when I shared the Church's teaching about these things, the follow-up rate increased and couples actually practiced the method and that the engaged couples who were already living together decided to embrace chastity.
During that year I also began to see the changes that the practice of NFP effected in husbands and men and connected the changes in my own husband with our use of NFP.

I got so excited then to talk again with my friend because her husband has remained notoriously 'teenagerish' throughout their 27 years of marriage and refuses to assume responsibility in every area of their lives.

I called her and said, "I gotta tell you about the effects of practicing NFP on men!"
She listened and then said, "But, we are practicing NFP and I am not seeing those things in my husband."
I was just devastated, crushed, dismayed. Then I asked her again, "So you are practicing NFP?"
She responded, "Yes, Yes."
I asked, "Well, how are you practicing NFP?"
"Just like you explained," she assured me.
I had to ask it, and it was embarrassing, "Are you ever having sex during the fertile time and sterilizing it to avoid pregnancy?"
"Well, yes....occasionally." She admitted.
Breathing a sigh of relief, I explained, "That is not practicing NFP." I explained why.
It seemed she understood, but I didn't want to press her and so we talked about other things.

Another year went by.
I got a call from her and she told me that they were on the verge of divorce. That he had become so selfish that anytime she wanted anything even to tell him important information about the children, his response was, "What do you want!"
She said he also seemed to be depressed.
I told her again about the effects of practicing NFP on men and said I would fly out there and do a class for them and any friends they might have that could benefit. We made plans and we both agreed that it would be a miracle if he would sit in for the class. We prayed.

Our family flew to San Diego about 6 months ago to do the class which was done in my friend's living room.
There were two other couples present, both also on the verge of divorce.
My friend's husband, miraculously, was there too.
Just as I prepared to do the introduction, while looking at his watch, leaning back in his chair, he sarcastically announced, "Kace, ya got 15 minutes till I fall asleep."

I took a deep breath, whispered a prayer and started the class (which was a protestant version- 2.5 hours long). Not only did he NOT fall asleep, he was asking questions and interjecting appropriately funny comments throughout. Everyone enjoyed the class and he left it feeling hopeful and excited as did my friend and the other couples.

My friend then drove me back to where our family was staying and during that ride I literally wanted to beat my head against the dashboard of her car.
She just would not see that sterilizing during the fertile time was not using NFP and struggled with the idea that her husband could experience a conversion so easily and quickly simply through acting responsibly in his intimate actions with her (i.e. being willing to parent a child for x number of years or being willing to exercise self-control during the fertile time because of the potential child, his potential fatherhood and her potential motherhood- ending the possibility of seeing his wife as a way to satisfy and urge or as a means to an end- because the idea of the child is always connected to the act- thus lust is ejected as a dominant factor and love takes it rightful place and the woman then feels loved and begins to desire her husband- I could go on and on!!).
ANYWAY, I had to just let go and I left it all to God.

Last month, I got a call from my friend.
In the midst of filling me in about her life and adventures, she told me that they really had begun to practice NFP now-for about the last 3 months. I questioned her about it, quite bluntly this time, and they really, really are.

THEN...

About a week later- she called me. She quietly said, "Oh- and I want to let you know .......(as though our conversation a week before was just continuing)...........I am seeing changes in him."

"I am seeing changes in him."

Never in the 17 years of our friendship has she ever expressed anything to indicate a positive change in the well known status of his behavior. Never.

I can't wait to hear about what happens in their relationship and all around him as he takes hold of his responsibilities.

Afterall... there is great power in a man.......

Bombarded

We are literally BOMBARDED by contraception and its mentality. We are bombarded by media, doctors, nurses, family, friends, coworkers and even total strangers.

From the Media: Television, Magazines, Billboards, Mailings, Internet, Radio at home, in the market, in the car, at the mall, in the grocery store, at the doctors office, etc., etc., etc.!

From Doctors: "Well, you are about to have your second child; would you like me to sterilize you afterward-It'll just take a second (ok, a slight exageration on the time comment)?"

From Nurses: "Wow-Congratulations on your new baby. Now, Mrs. .... What kind of birth control do you plan to use?"

From Family: "You guys are done now, aren't you? What, you can't seriously be thinking about having any MORE! (this after baby number two)" "Why????"

From Friends: "Why would you want to have anymore kids? You guys are done, right?"

From Coworkers: "Don't you know what causes that?"

From Strangers: Upon seeing a family with more than two in public- "Are these all yours!?"
"Are you gonna have any more?" "Wow-You really have your hands full!" "Aren't you concerned with over-population?"

It takes great courage and faith to stand up under all this pressure. To say "Yes" to God by following His plan for love and marriage- to accept the gift of a child.

Couples must know about the existance of NFP because everywhere they turn they are bombarded with contraception. This builds tremendous fear into people about getting pregnant and having children.

The use of NFP breaks down those fears because the idea of the child is always connected to the ultimate act of love the couple share- so the child then becomes the 'the fruit of their love'. If the couple sees the child as the fruit of their love, then they see the child as a gift and if they see the child as a gift, it changes the way they feel about children- the ones they have and their future children. How we see something changes the way we experience it- seeing a child as a gift makes parenting that child different for the parent and the child. It's beautiful.

Annoying Magazine Headline

Recently, while standing in line at the grocery store, I read the MOST ANNOYING magazine headline: "........., Bored With .......... in Bed" (names removed to prevent gossip). After I was done being totally irritated, I began to rejoice. I rejoiced because being Catholic is so awesome! And if my husband and I practice the basics of our faith - we never have to worry about being 'bored in bed'.

When a couple uses contraception, lust-getting vs. love-giving gradually becomes the focus. Naturally, over time women tend to begin to feel used and men, frustrated and both -resentful. Lust, being never satisfied, creates the possibility of the 'bored in bed' syndrome.

When I am tempted to act out of lust- say for chocolate- there isn't enough chocolate for me on the entire planet OR in the whole universe and even when I do have some (and I have a lustful attitude), I am thinking about the next bite- I can't even enjoy the one I have in my mouth (don't you just hate that!).

The use of NFP prevents lust from operating. I'll write about how in another post later.

Couples who use NFP also rarely ever divorce- the NFP divorce rate is .2% or 2 in a 1000 (vs. the 50% society rate- 500 out of a 1000).

I am so excited to be teaching NFP again- post baby. Following the Church's teachings by using NFP has blessed our marriage in so many ways. I am so happy to get to share with couples what will divorce-proof their marriages, give them a honeymoon every month and open the floodgates of grace into family life.